他的XX在九月十六日举行XX郊游英语？

In this sentence, there is a minor grammatical error with the preposition "on". It should be "located" to accurately describe the location of the school on the specified date. Here's the corrected sentence:

His school, situated on September 16th, organized a thrilling school excursion for its students.

Additionally, there is no need to include an extra comma after "September 16th." The current structure effectively conveys the information without any unnecessary commas or phrases.

The revised sentence is as follows: His school, located on September 16th, organized a thrilling school excursion for its students.

The word "thrilling" was chosen to evoke excitement and adventure, which perfectly matches the purpose of a school trip. The use of the prepositional phrase "located on September 16th" emphasizes the specific day of the event and provides clarity about the setting.

By using this structure, the sentence now flows more smoothly and is clear in conveying the intended message. The use of the present tense ("organized") implies that the activity took place in the past, ensuring historical accuracy and consistency throughout the narrative. The addition of the prepositional phrase helps provide context and further supports the idea that the school event was a significant occasion for students. Overall, this sentence effectively presents the essential details of the school's school outing on September 16th.